An incredibly stupid real-life law exam hypo currently making the rounds among lawyerly social media deals with a Texas nurse arrested by the county sheriff for allegedly preparing a sports bottle of foul liquid to prank a bully who had been stealing her son’s drink.
And by “foul liquid” we mean…
Jennifer Lynn Rossi, 45, allegedly combined lemon, salt and vinegar, the Bexar County Sheriff’s Office said. The contents were not toxic, but a child who drank the mixed beverage was hospitalized. A school official said the drink was confiscated after the incident.
That’s not poison, that’s a salad dressing.
As the report notes, the defendant is a health professional herself and specifically created a non-toxic but gross concoction. And yet she’s been charged with “injury to a child causing bodily injury.”
“Whether the allegations of bullying at the root of this situation are substantiated or not, there is never an excuse to take matters into your own hands and injure a child,” Sheriff Javier Salazar said.
Counter: salad dressings do not “injure.” Well, technically a Walnut Vinaigrette can injure someone with allergies, but lemon juice, salt, and vinegar isn’t injuring anyone. Eggshell victims are real, but there’s a reason why none of the coverage of this incident goes into great detail over the bully’s “injuries.” He said he spit it out immediately but got a headache and nausea from experiencing the gross sip. It’s not this woman’s fault that everyone is soft and decided to turn a tummy ache into a trip to the hospital. This is why we can’t have nice things.
The definition of bodily injury in Texas is “physical pain, illness, or any impairment of physical condition.” We’re talking about a headache and nausea — conveniently two symptoms that can’t be independently verified. Any medical expert willing to testify that drinking salad dressing objectively causes physical pain, illness, or any impairment of physical condition should be permanently ostracized from the medical community, but this is Texas where they don’t have COVID vaccine mandates and are hemorrhaging doctors who believe in science so who knows.
And what’s with this “whether the allegations of bullying… are substantiated or not” stuff? It seems as though that speaks directly to causation since the kid would not have had the bottle if he hadn’t stolen it. When you say “take matters into your own hands and injure a child,” it elides the whole part where the defendant didn’t make the kid drink a damn thing. THE BULLY took matters into HIS own hands when he stole the bottle. If Bobby Bruiser kept his hands to himself none of this would’ve happened. Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of your own actions, punk.
This isn’t a frickin’ spring gun, it’s a gross but entirely non-toxic drink! What if it was something entirely disgusting in that bottle that her son liked to drink? What if she’d put pickle juice in there? Or castor oil? Or Dr. Pepper?
Has everyone in Texas gone crazy?
Her son “will be subject to disciplinary actions in accordance with Legacy policies governing student conduct,” a school official said.
And what is the son’s misconduct? Are students required to make sure everything they have stolen from them is appropriately tasty? Is this why no one bullies vegans?
Texas mom arrested for allegedly mixing drink that sent bullied son’s classmate to hospital [CBS News]
Joe Patrice is a senior editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news. Joe also serves as a Managing Director at RPN Executive Search.
