Dear LPB University Colleagues,
We wish you and yours a very happy New Year. We know you are eager to get back to the normal that 2022 will bring us.
We have been ACTIVELY MONITORING the situation with Omicron. We have been CAREFULLY CONSIDERING what to do, or rather, force you all to do, with respect to ensuring that we meet our obligations to educate our students, and pay the football coach.
We HAVE FOUND some statistics, and it turns out that, if you Google, you’ll see that Omicron accounts for a lot of the cases of COVID-19 in the United States and abroad. While our search of WebMD suggests that COVID-19 Omicron is less severe than Delta, we believe it is still of serious concern because it can spread very fast, except in the bubble of administrative offices modeled after Howard Hughes’s chamber.
AFTER CAREFUL CONSIDERATION, we have DECIDED to IMPLEMENT some GUIDELINES for the Spring Semester:
- We ACCEPT that you may be online the first two weeks of the semester. We won’t require it because we are afraid of our governor and the budget. Also, we won’t let you do this after the first two weeks. Your students will be settled and then will have to switch. However, if you choose not to allow your students the privilege of being in the classroom full time, you must do this:
- Make sure that every student is in the classroom at least once a week.
- That means you’ll likely be in the classroom 2-3 times a week.
- Yes, that means Hyflex — the evil half in person, half online demon of learning.
- We FEEL this should alleviate your concerns about being in the classroom.
- You may not be online after the first two weeks. We BELIEVE that everyone needs to be on campus. Otherwise, we will have to lay people off. Therefore, you must be in-person after the first two weeks.
- We FEEL that some of you may apply for an accommodation. There is a large backlog in HR. Hopefully we will get to yours by the Fall Semester of 2024.
- If we are informed that you are online after the first two weeks, we will WRITE a very nasty letter to go in your HR file or just fire you, depending on how much the provost likes you.
- If you are ill, you may revert back to online. But not before you are ill. And don’t pretend you are ill: We WILL WANT a note from your doctor.
- Staff must remain in person. Exception: Staff for provost will be online and remote (with the exception of Jane, who refuses to quit, and will be the designated live person).
- All meetings with the provost will be online.
Of course, University administration HOPES our guidelines have been helpful. But we cannot do everything. You must take some responsibility for your own health. No, this does not mean you may be remote after the first two weeks. No, it does not mean you may compel students to put on masks. No, it does not mean staff may violate professionalism by wearing a personal plastic bubble. What we mean is that if you get sick, YOU are to blame. We’ve been very ACTIVE. Have you?
Bottom line: If you are sick, isolate yourself so that you do not increase campus statistics.
If you are not sick, make sure to be on campus until you get sick.
We FEEL that together, we will get through this. You are always welcome, colleagues, to drop by the University administration offices. Our secretary Jane has a dedicated laptop through which you can Zoom with our provost, who will be at home.
We FEEL that these allowances, created using a deterrence model, will enable you to come to the realization that we are really actively there for you.
You can tell we are there for you because of all the active verbs we are using in our messages.
Very truly yours,
LawProfBlawg is an anonymous professor at a top 100 law school. You can see more of his musings here. He is way funnier on social media, he claims. Please follow him on Twitter (@lawprofblawg). Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.